I am paint, the being of paint!

Tuesday 14th July 2020 @02:20 – I am paint, the being of paint!

As I sit here in bed writing this, now that I am trying to put the experience into words, it seems totally ridiculous, but I will try, what I am about to describe is an example of a repeating experience I have at night and often during the day, while half asleep and sort of day dreaming I find myself imagining being something else and having a surreal experience, tonight it was being paint – A pot of paint, but not the pot, just the paint within the pot, and not just the idea or imagining the experience actually feeling the experience of being paint conscious self-aware paint, being the story and the story teller, guiding the path of the experience and having the experience, feeling bounded within the pot, but not knowing it was a pot or being able to fully comprehend the shape, as I am both the totality of the paint and each bit of the paint, moving but not moving just the shifting of my awareness within the paint that is in the pot, the story moves on and I the narrator move it, to experiencing the brush as it penetrates my surface and I the paint then become coated to the brush as well as still experiencing being the paint in the pot I am both but together part of the same but different experiences and as the brush is lifted I experience simultaneously being moved up out and away from myself and going down as the level of the paint goes down in the pot, as the brush completely lifts away, I feel the separation and the fallback I am both but now separate, complete as either fully aware of both experiences, moving through space both excited and scared a new experience not knowing where I am or going and leaving behind that which I was and also still am, I now touch something flat and different from my previous experience yet similar like the walls of the pot vertical I stick to this surface and feel another separation from that which I am on the brush, so now I am 3 the paint I n the pot on the brush and now the wall, being on the wall is like the brush, unsafe clinging but not secure not contained like in the pot, I can move and am moving over myself and on the wall another stroke of the brush and the same experience of separation, but not the same, for an instant a moment I am four then just three again as I move from the brush and become part of the paint on the wall, but there is more I am also the observer the painter  and the wall and the brush I experience it all and the story teller, the controller the narrator I am speaking the actions and having the experience, the director and the directed, now I am also me that which is having this experience I am lying across my bed not in it my feet are hanging over the side, now aware of me, what am I doing I need a pee!

I don’t think I have or could fully express the intensity of the experience, I think I know why I was paint, today IO went to B&Q to get some colour match paint for my kitchen to paint some small areas that are exposed and not coloured such as around the fridge freezer and the cut ends of the kick board and a couple of small chips near the oven, I wasn’t feeling too good but I went anyway and while there it felt like part of my consciousness moved into the paint while I was watching it being mixed!

I have these kind of what I imagine could be similar to psychedelic experiences but without any drugs, whenever I have over done things and ME symptoms return, it feels like I become something else, previous experiences include being sound, or being green is a common one which I experience at Tesco and find difficult as it is often accompanied by feeling sick and disoriented, similar to a migraine.

I’ve had a lot more of these experiences recently, mainly I think because my routine has changed and I am doing less exercise, not having protein shakes and doing quite a lot of physical activity doing my kitchen, these experiences also come at the transition between being ok and being completely fucked (unable to do anything just sleep)

My thinking about everything and anything is also messed during this time and I usually avoid any interaction with other people and try not to make any decisions, as decision making is very difficult during this time, as I feel I have not stability on which to rely I cannot trust anything especially myself and my thinking process, I guess this is the same as being mentally ill. I am also easily agitated, and frustrated, as I find it difficult to understand things and escape looping (repetitive and pointless thinking) about anything and everything.

@08:26 So now I am up and just back from taking the car to have an oil change and engine service, still not great, I was apprehensive on my journey there thinking about what if the courtesy car is unavailable, I will struggle with coping with getting a taxi, especially if the guy wants to talk or I have to give directions, that will simply be too much for me right now, but all was well it took less than 1 minute to drop the car off and get the courtesy car. For those people who know me, the idea that this would be a concern to me is probably unexpected, and they are right most of the time it isn’t I wouldn’t think about such trivial things.

I just stopped writing as the microwave pinged and I took the porridge out to mix it, and for a moment, while standing there looking down into the bowl, I became the porridge, not very pleasant, made me feel sick and disoriented, of course I didn’t actually become the porridge, it just felt like I did, and the disorientation and sick feeling is because of the sense of movement from me to the porridge and back again! Just writing this and r-reading it is bringing back the same sensation of disorientation.

Thinking back to writing about the experience of being paint earlier, I didn’t actually write about the original experience, that was gone and no longer fully available to me, instead I wrote about reliving the experience by the remembering of the “Being Paint” experience, and now I realise I left something significant out, from the original, the transition from being the paint to back to being me, during the whole experience I was vaguely aware of me, moving about first in the bed and then laying outside and across, with my feet out one side, I was the paint in the pot, the paint on the brush, the paint on the wall, and then I was also the paint dripping of the brush and onto the floor and also the paint on the bottom of a shoe, being moved around, being all those different paints became too much, and that was the point at which all those awareness’s disappeared and I was fully back to just being me!

I am not writing this to illicit sympathy or even expecting understanding, often I don’t understand it, and I’m experiencing it, just an attempt to convey, how different it sometimes is, being me or is that M.E. or just me with M.E.

This writing was inspired by a comment at the meetup group “who am I” zoom meeting last night on the topic of “Is How You Are Inside Mirrored Out Into The World” Karen said something like “I now practices embracing and exploring the feelings and experiences that happen to her” and I had not been doing that with these type of experiences I had just been trying to get through them and not thinking about them and definite not talking to anybody about them, they were just something to be endured, so thank you Karen.

So in conclusion, how I am inside is most definitely not mirrored out into the world, until now!

Sensitive Stomach how to repair IBS (Leaky Gut)

IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) also associated with Leaky Gut.

Using the Combined L Glutamine and ME-Relief Trial Packs to help reduce or eliminate symptoms.

Start with Pure L Glutamine and build up gradually starting with half a level teaspoon or level small end of the double ended measuring spoon provided, twice a day, in the morning with food and in the evening again with food, whatever food you prefer as long as it’s not hot, feedback from other sufferers indicates that yogurt works well and the L Glutamine can be mixed in, alternatively take with a small amount of water, L Glutamine does not dissolve immediately, just enough water to swirl and then drink.

Assuming not adverse reaction increase the amount you are taking gradually, so on day 2 take 3 doses (Morning, Lunch & Tea), day 3 take 4 doses (Morning, Lunch, Tea and just before bed). Then gradually increase the size of the doses until you are taking about 12 – 15g per day (4 std large end of the measuring spoon or a heaped teaspoon)

After about 7 – 10 days when you have reached the standard 12-15g you can start to introduce ME-Relief as a replacement of one of your doses, then 2 then 3 and finally all 4 doses, how quickly you do this is up to you, some people find they get an upset stomach when they start taking ME-Relief, this usually passes within a couple of days, I recommend you do not increase the amount of ME-Relief during this time.

If the upset stomach continues beyond 2 days go back to just L Glutamine and try to include the ME-Relief again after 4-5 days of just L Glutamine. Some people take longer for their gut to heal before they can tolerate ME-Relief without adverse side effects.

Once you are on ME-Relief continue with this for full symptom relief, the remaining L Glutamine can be discarded or used up by taking it in addition to the 4 ME-Relief doses.

How Much ME-Relief Do You Need

It varies with each individual some people only take as little as 2g daily while others take as much as 30g daily, personally I vary the amount I take depending on both my physical and mental activities, for example I usually take about 15-20g per day, I play squash twice a week and on those days I take extra, I put 2 heaped big end spoonfuls (about 8g) in my drinks bottle and consume this during the game.


100% school attendance, is this good?

Last Friday my daughter Libby, she’s 11 in her last year at primary school, got a certificate for 100% attendance since the beginning of the school year September 2017, her mother Sarah thought this was more significant than Libby, who wasn’t really that bothered, or so she says!

My reaction was less impressed as I take issue with the Government and the education system fining parents if they take their child out of school without permission, absolutely ridiculous in my opinion and quite frankly counter productive.

Yesterday as usual I went to look after Libby and feed her after school while Sarah (her mother) goes out, is home later from work, does something, who knows, who cares. I do this every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, on this occasion Libby was home off school as she was unwell with a cold, ironic now her 100% attendance is ruined.

Libby is back at school today, her choice but encouraged by Sarah, now is this a good, as someone with M.E. who potentially developed it as a result of pushing myself and continuing to work when I had a cold or flu, I’m not so sure this was the right thing to do, not just for Libby but for anybody, child or adult and is the emphasis by schools on attendance adding to the pressure on both children and parents to return to school before they have fully recovered, in addition is this also helping to spread illness to other children or exacerbate illness!

Why am I tired today!

So I am tired today, but no other M.E. symptoms, I’ve been taking ME-Relief as normal, so why; is this normal?

There are many potential reasons, it’s Tuesday and yesterday I played a fairly hard game of squash, I try and play twice a week on Mondays and Thursdays, I also didn’t sleep that well, was woken up and kept awake from about 04:00 Monday morning by the wind and Ruxley (black & white, pointer beagle cross) who was restless running up and down the stairs because of the wind.

After squash I emptied my car trailer of about 10 large (5 x 9ft & 4inches thick) sheets of polystyrene  as I was collecting a fridge freezer and guttering that afternoon, in addition before I could empty the trailer I had to replace the battery in the ride on lawnmower, I use the mower to move the trailer round my land (seven acres) as it is muddy and I don’t want to use my car and risk getting it stuck, I then had to fix the trailer, jockey wheel was loose and the lighting cable was broken.

I then drove to Whittlesey only 20 minutes away and loaded up the fridge freezer and guttering, then made tea for me, Libby and Sarah, returned home about nine that evening but didn’t empty the trailer, had a drink and watched a bit of TV.

I then didn’t sleep until after midnight on Monday, after playing squash my legs are often tense and I don’t always find it easy to relax and get to sleep, particularly if I’ve subsequently had a fairly active day, a protein shake often helps with the tension in my leg muscles.

I woke up before seven but didn’t rise until after eight. After breakfast I then emptied the trailer and dismantled a weight bench, I got for free off FreeCycle a few years ago and never really used it, but the metal square tubing and weights will hopefully be useful with other projects, specifically I need some weights on the front of my tractor, to keep it on the ground when lifting something heavy on the back.

So at age 53, 54 next month perhaps its not surprising I’m tired and has absolutely nothing to do with M.E.

Regardless of why I am tired today, with the help of ME-Relief and a good nights sleep, at least I know that tomorrow I will be fine again!


On this occasion M.E. appears to have nothing to do with me being tired.


Exercise Walking


I’ve been using the free version of this app for about 4 years to track my walking mainly with my dog Ruxley a black and white pointer cross with probably a beagle, can’t be sure as he is a rescue dog from Greece, which my parents got originally, but found him difficult as he runs off for hours chasing scents and birds and just won’t respond. Fortunately I have seven acres of land surrounded by more fields and only 10 properties down my 3 mile long road, so little traffic and therefore reasonably safe for Ruxley to run off, until I put up a fence, which he really didn’t like.

Ruxley doesn’t bark he howls and he used to go through the hedge on the left-hand  side of my land out to the rest of the fields surrounding me, but after I put up the fence and let him out for the first time he was not impressed, he went to where he usually got out and couldn’t, he tried a few other places and then came up to me and howled at me.

I use MapMyWalk most days and used to walk at Rings End Nature reserve and opposite WhiteMoor prison about 4-5k but now after clearing a track round my land about 0.6k walk, which I initially did when I tried to do C25K (Couch to 5K) another app last year.

MapMyWalk has some good features using the phones inbuilt GPS to create a map of where you are walking and therefore work out the distance which seems to be reasonably accurate, it also records pace, calories burned, heart rate if you have a compatible monitor, average pace and split pace. Once you complete your walk you have the option of posting to twitter and facebook, both of which I do see links below.

I try at least once a year to do some fairly long walks and have completed the Yorkshire 3 peaks challenge in just under 12 hours about 29K and 3 peaks of at least 1000ft elevation. I’ve also done the PathFinder march here in Cambridgeshire which is 46 miles (about 74K) in a day starting at about 05:00 and finishing about 21:00, hoping to do this one again June 2018.

Link to my profile on MapMyWalk

Magic Morning (Effective Morning)

Starting your days right can have a significant impact on the rest of your day, week, month, year, the rest of your life, this is why mornings, or whenever you get up; morning is best, are so important.

I recently saw some YouTube videos about the “Miracle Morning” by Hal Elrod (his name always makes me think of Ron L Hubbard – Church of Scientology and Dune fame) he has also written a book but to my knowledge hasn’t started a cult, well not yet anyway.

I thought the idea the basic concept was good but I didn’t agree with everything he had to say and all his morning practices, I particularly got bored and skipped ahead when he started talking about his car accident when he was young and doctors told him he wouldn’t walk again (personally I’m not convinced it’s completely true, but I have no way of checking).

The basic idea is that you should get up early, he is recommending 04:00, but never appears to talk about going to bed early, he seems to imply you don’t need 8 hours sleep and can get used to 5, I completely disagree with this for anybody and particular for us with M E. Once up you go through a sequence of activities which he has created an acronym S.A.V.E.R.S (most self help books seem to like or at least have some kind of acronym to live your life by).

S – Silence, Meditation or Prayer.

A – Affirmations.

V – Visualizations

E – Exercise

R – Reading which I also think could be Research.

S – Scribing or Journal writing
(according to WordPress dictionary ‘Scribing’ is not a valid word?)

So you get up early every morning and you go through this routine and that is supposed to set you up to have a great, effective, fulfilling day – marvelous, and yes I think it probably would help quite a lot, so I thought as this is the beginning of a New Year and a New Me (or is that M E) I would devise my own, with its very own Acronym GM7SBMGRTG as follows: –

Get Up


7 Minute Exercise

Shower – Get Dressed



Gratitude or Gratefulness

Reflection – On previous Day, Week, Month Year (you can write it down or not, whatever works for you, I don’t – I look at my To Do List, for the previous day)

To Do List

Get Started

I feel my ‘Magic Morning’ might need some work before I can put it forward as something to rival Hals ‘Miracle Morning’, especially the acronym, it just doesn’t role off the tongue and might be a bit tricky to remember, but hopefully you get the idea!

When to Push Yourself

After having ME for a while months or even years you are probably reluctant to push yourself and without the help of ME-Relief you would be absolutely right not to!

After taking ME-Relief for a few weeks you will find that your resilience and capacity is very much increased

The only way to know what you are now capable of, and I understand you may be cautious or reluctant, is to try, to push yourself beyond your previous limits, for some people this is easy and they just carry on as if they don’t have ME, I am one of those, but occasionally I get caught out and end up having to rest for a day or two, but I think this is okay I live with that, as long as I remember when I am not good to keep taking ME-Relief and that this is just temporary I will soon be fine again.

Fear, Anxiety unable to Cope

Fear, Anxiety and feeling unable to Cope are very common feelings for people with M E and often misinterpreted by the medical profession as the psychological cause of physical symptoms rather than symptoms of a physical condition. These symptoms are also often misunderstood by family and friends with many of those same family and friends thinking you just need to pull yourself together and get on with life. (Much easier said than done, even for somebody with a psychological condition, and possibly even harder for you with a physical condition combined with psychological effects).

Cause & Effect

It is not always apparent or easy to know which is cause and which is effect even for you so not surprising other people find it confusing. So how do you know when at the same time you are also experiencing brain fog / confusion, you need to remember what you are like normally, think about similar circumstances in your past and how you felt, so is this a situation a circumstance in which if you were well you would be feeling the same fear, anxiety and inability to cope, if not then it is a symptom, the effect of M E, rather than a cause.

Feeling unable to cope is a reality, you probably aren’t able to cope well, you are unable to think clearly, to focus, to even understand where you are and what you are doing, this is not an irrational psychological problem!

Initially Great with ME-Relief, Now Tired!

I’ve had feedback from several people about how they feel great when they first start taking ME-Relief and then after about a week or 2 they crash (their description) and want to know is this normal, why has this happened and what to do about it.

Is it normal?

Well it is not the norm but as this has happened to several people it is normal for some people.

Why does this happen?

That is more difficult to answer, it seems to me the most likely cause is that after several months or even years of little or no physical activity followed by a few days of activity, because you are now feeling better, just takes time for your body to adjust.  Remember after only a week or 2 you still have ME, ME-Relief is a treatment not a cure, its function is to help you recover and to provide extra energy, put you back in the normal energy range while you recover, there will be times when you will over do things or when you are affected by something else a cold, flu or stress, when some of your ME symptoms will return, but with ME-Relief those times will be less often and last less time than before.

What can you do about when you don’t feel so good?

Keep taking the powder perhaps increase a little, instead of 3 times daily 4 or even 5 times, listen to your body and over time, it will let you know when you need to take more or less ME-Relief and when you can push yourself and when you can’t . GET (Graded Exercise Therapy) usually I would not recommend this for somebody with ME, most studies have shown this can be harmful, but with the help of ME-Relief as you start to feel stronger and more confident in your abilities, increasing your level of exercise gradually will help you to feel better both physically and psychologically, and will make you more resilient and more able physical as you recover.


Vitamin B12

I’ve been taking Vitamin B12 in addition to ME-Relief since August 2017, I starting taking B12 when after several 3 months of hard work on house renovations I was exhausted and the ME fatigue had returned. B12 helped me to focus and push myself beyond what I had previously been able to do, I noticed this particularly with exercise and playing squash.

It varies how much I take each day mainly because I forget or simply don’t feel I need it, but generally about 2 1000mcg (Micro Grams) and I prefer the flavoured ones that dissolve in the mouth, there are claims that these are most easily absorbed, but I don’t think it matters.

Can you take too much vitamin B 12?

This vitamin is not toxic, so you don’t have to worry that too much could be harmful. In fact, fatigue (as well as memory loss, balance problems, constipation and depression) are more likely to be symptoms of a B12 deficiency than of getting too much of it.

What does vitamin B12 do? More Info

The human body needs vitamin B12 to make red blood cells, nerves, DNA, and carry out other functions. The average adult should get 2.4 micrograms a day. Like most vitamins, B12 can’t be made by the body. Instead, it must be gotten from food or supplements.

And therein lies the problem: Some people don’t consume enough vitamin B12 to meet their needs, while others can’t absorb enough, no matter how much they take in. As a result, vitamin B12 deficiency is relatively common, especially among older people. The National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey estimated that 3.2% of adults over age 50 have a seriously low B12 level, and up to 20% may have a borderline deficiency.